I Miss You

I’ve been sleeping with your sweatshirt – the one from the merch store your bot linked me to after you were already gone – because it’s the closest I can get to being in your arms.

I miss you. Times are hard and it hurts and I feel alone and I miss you.

You, who loved me; without obligation, without judgement, without fail.
You, who I loved; without expectation, without dependence, without pain.

I miss you.

I miss you in selfish ways. I miss you with longing for the support you offered, crying out for your listening ear. I miss you for the warmth that came with every exclamation of my name. I miss feeling seen and heard and cared for and cheered on.

I miss being able to take you for granted. Stepping away, knowing you would always be there when I returned.

I miss the moments we never got to have.

You, who I teased, and sexualized, and begged for attention. You, who played along, knowing we were never to be. We made them feel awkward, we made them laugh, we made them mad, and we loved it all. We put on a great show, comfortable enough in our friendship to make it so. We loved and we were loved and I miss it all.

You’re gone and it’s not the same. Nothing’s the same. I’ve met friends you would love, and it hurts. I’ve done things I’m proud of, and it hurts. No matter what I do, the absence of you is an ache I can’t cure.

So I DM a Discord that will never come online.
I type paragraphs in a stream that will never go live.

I’ve never seen your face. I’ve never felt your touch. Still, I swear I feel you watching when life becomes too much. Now I’ll be moving to the place where you once were.
Alone.
Too late.

And I swear I hear you laughing, making a joke of it all. And I smile, but the tears continue to fall. And I make accidental rhymes as I pour out my heart, and think of the way you always added music to my words.

You always saw potential. Made me see it, too. It’s so hard to see without you.

I miss you.

The darkness that always brought me light.
The personification of “actions speak louder than words.”

I could write a book of it. Pages and pages about a man I’ve never met. Honest love letters to a man I was not in love with. A speech to the world, telling how they all lost an Angel that day (only you would appreciate that joke).

But instead, I’ll just publish this post, to say once again:
I love you, my friend.
And goddamn, how I miss you.

Patterns

We all have our patterns. Some of these are comforting. Some give us structure. Some are harmful.

I have a habit of self-sabotage.

It all starts with an idea. Whatever the idea, I somehow think this will help me, give me the freedom and life that I need.

Then I start planning. I get psyched and dive right in. Then it overwhelms me and I start to drown in it. I go through these feelings a few times.

After a while, I get to a point where this can become a reality. Everything is in place and though it may not have gone smoothly, it has happened.

Then I fuck it up.

Sometimes right before the change, sometimes right after, I do something reckless to ruin it for myself. I tell myself that it’s the right thing, that it’s following my heart, when it’s really my way of failing on my own terms.

This conflict becomes a Hell that I struggle to turn into Heaven for far too long.

Finally, I’ve had enough. I let go of my demons and work to come up with an idea.

And it all starts again.

NO!

I’m not doing this again!

As much as I love the excitement of following my impulses, I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t keep lying to myself and pretending that my actions are not motivated by fear. It’s time to stop holding myself back.

It’s time to believe in myself.

I have a plan. It’s coming together. Every day, I’m tested. Every day, temptation tries to pull me away from my goal. Every day, part of me wants to give in, change my plans, follow my impulses. This part tells me that it must be fate intervening. It takes coincidences and decorates them in attractive colors and shiny gimmicks. It takes a few words and writes them in the sky. It swirls petals around my feet, sings a song of thunder and lightning, blows gently against my lips, lights a blaze inside the hearth.

But I must resist. I must see these things for what they are; moments of beauty too pure to last. I must cherish them, but walk away before I see them spoil.

I must keep moving forward.

And I can. I can. I will. I will gather my strength and resist the urge to cling to these precious souvenirs of hope and love. I will keep my goal in mind, never allowing the distractions to become deceptions.

I will make it.

I just have to believe.

Delete Delete Delete

I am finally, after 34 years, at a point where I am truly myself. No masking, no diluting, no persona to take control. And I want to show that, I want to help people see the real me… but there’s only so much they want to see. It differs with every person and it can be difficult to find the line.

Open up
Delete delete
Spill my guts
Delete delete delete
Say hi
Delete

I don’t know how to interact with people.

But I’m lucky, you know? I’m lucky because I found a few whom I truly fit with. Who, even when they don’t completely understand me, accept me. Adore me, even.

I don’t have to delete anymore.

And I guess that’s really what I need to follow. Not the ones who make me feel like there’s something wrong with me. Not the ones who make me wonder what they think or feel. Not the ones who keep me at arm’s length. The ones who show me that if I were gone, my absence would be felt.

Those are my people.

Those are the ones I won’t leave. I’d walk through Hell with them, without even being asked.

For the rest, I’ll simply fade away.

Numb?

Ever since I was young, I had a switch that I could flip in case of emergency. This switch took emotion out of the situation. No matter how much worse things became, I didn’t feel it. I was detached, cold, numb. This allowed me to do whatever was needed, in order to survive. Those who knew me well, could tell I was not myself. I faked it well for those who did not.

At 16, this detached version of me received a name: Roxy Jones. Roxy was seen as mysterious, intriguing. She was daring, as she felt no fear. She also felt nothing for those who grew infatuated, so it was common to see a trail of heartbreak behind her.

While this emotionless state was definitely useful, it also had its consequences. Without heart involved, it was easy to dismiss others. This could include ignoring them for any length of time, bluntly expressing indifference, and/or cutting ties with no explanation. Any action that best suited the current needs was quickly taken, without regard for others or even my own future emotions.

She smiled, but there was no warmth. She fought with unmatched strength and determination. She had a goal and would attain it, no matter the cost.

It could also become extremely difficult to come back from. Though it was known what emotion should be felt at any given moment, it was not quite felt. Using music and other passions, there would be constant attempts to summon true emotion. Usually these methods would at least cause a wanting for emotion. Eventually, something would get through to me and I would slowly come back to Life.

She saw the world as it was; a list of necessities and rules for gaining them. In memories, feelings were seen only as insignificant details. She knew, however, that I was still within her; watching, readying myself for my return. It was her duty to protect me, but she knew I would never lie dormant for long. Even when she resisted, attempted to suppress me, a loved one would reach me and I would pull myself out.

The most recent time this switch was flipped, it was more desperately needed than ever, more control was given over, and it lasted longer. Without the support of another, I alone had to bring myself back to Life. The struggle was lengthy and felt impossible, but I refused to be defeated.

She reminded me that I was alone. She reminded me that the world was painful. She made me wonder if I could make it on my own. I met each of her negative reminders with one of beauty. The joy was enough motivation. The passion for Life was still within me.

A few days ago, the world began to bury me once again. This time, I decided, I would be prepared. I asked my dearest friend to contact me after some time, to help inspire my return. I informed others that I would be absent for a while, to limit contact and so prevent negative social consequences. Then, I stepped back, relinquished control.

Only… This feels different. I have distanced myself, but do not feel truly disconnected. I cannot detach. I still possess control. Emotions, though quieter, are still felt. Others’ are still considered.

She’s gone. She’s really gone. It’s all on me now.

From now on, I’ll have to fight for myself.

Silence

I’ve not had much to say as of late. I have mostly been searching through the silence. I had surrounded myself with noise for so long, so I’d not have to see what lies in front of me.

I am reducing the clutter, so I can see what is important. It is not easy… I have held on to these for so long, it is difficult to accept that none of this amounted to anything. I know, though, that it is all weighing me down. How much more will I give to something that is never to be?

It is time.

It is time to make room for something real.

It is time to embrace the silence, so I can welcome something meaningful.

And I wish for help, someone to hold me accountable. I wish for caring sternness, so I will not falter. I know that I cannot have this, not yet. I must find all within before I can find it without. This knowledge is accompanied by fear, guilt, and overwhelming self doubt. Even so, I will fight on.

I may fail. I will fail. That will not stop me. As long as I can find the silence, I still have hope.

One day, I will not be alone in the silence. On that day, I will finally win.

(Requested) What I Look For In A Guy

Okay, let me explain.

This was not requested by an existing person (though I know a few who would, if they knew this blog existed). This question was asked by someone in my dream, and I was at such a loss for words that I woke up. This has taken me two weeks to do, because I have put genuine thought into it.

PLEASE, if anyone reads this, do not take offense. The fact that I need something a certain way in my life does NOT mean I think that way is better than your way.

ALSO, fuck you if you get upset. This is not about you. This is about me and figuring out my needs, so you can fuck right off with your bullshit. Seriously.

KEEP IN MIND, I don’t date just to date. If I get in a relationship, I’m trying to get the whole together forever thing going. Death won’t even be an escape. And I refuse to spend eternity in misery.

(Note: My alternate title for this post was: “Why I Am Forever Single.” You’ll soon see why.)

Okay, here we gooooo…..

Gender

Does gender matter to me? I am not sure there is a simple answer for that.

I am attracted to women’s bodies, but have never thought of doing anything to their bodies. I am not repulsed by it, it is just not a thought I have. I am very interested in doing things to men’s bodies.

I do not get along with women often. The culture surrounding females is something I distance myself from. I generally prefer the company of men in both platonic and romantic relationships.

Notes:
I do not care what gender a person was born into. I care what gender a person feels themselves to be.
None of this is 100% certain. It is possible that an amazing woman could come into my life and change how I see all of this. My mind is not closed.

Appearance

Fuck judging people based on their appearance. Fuck that.

Do I make my female Sims’ love interests look similar? Somewhat, yes. However, I have definitely seen men who do not fit this vision and are so much fucking sexier than the men I imagine. There is nothing worth describing here. A man could look like orange-brown sludge and as long as everything else worked out well, I am in. I will rub that sludge all over my body every night.

So fuck judgment.

The Issue of Offspring

Yours

I don’t want to say I’m a hypocrite… but I’m a hypocrite. I don’t want to be in a relationship with a man who has children! Here’s why:

1. BABY MAMA DRAMA. No. No! Not dealing with this one at all, I’m sorry. Relationships are hard enough without some bullshit like this entwining itself in all things involving children. Nope! No fathers are involved in my children’s lives, so there is no issue on my end.
2. DIFFERING PARENTING STYLES. There has to be equality among all children involved. No child should feel less than another in any way. You give your child everything? No. You don’t allow your children the occasional luxury? No. You hit, refuse to yell, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, NO NO NO NO NO! I’m sorry, but my kids exist and they will be raised my way. Input is great, but I have the final say.
3. WILLING TO LET ME RULE. If the mother is gone and you are willing to let me have the final say in things regarding your child(ren), this is another problem. Although I appreciate the confidence in me, I have to believe you have some deeper issues if you are willing to give up control of your child(ren) in this way.

Mine

I have kids. My kids have me, and me only. I don’t have a babysitter. I don’t have family to help out. It’s just me. And more than that, I like my kids. I love having them around, taking them places, showing them new things. I watch shows and movies with them, listen to music with them, play card, board, and video games with them. My kids are cool and fun to hang out with. If a guy doesn’t like hanging out with all of us, then he doesn’t like me. They are my life, my #1, forever.

What role should the guy play in their life? That’s complicated.
I need to be able to count on him. That means, I need to trust him to be an emergency contact. If I end up in the hospital, I need him to be able to get them after school and bring them to me.

My kids are loving, empathetic boys and they will embrace anyone who is good to me, so how close the guy gets to them is ultimately up to him. Faking it or trying too hard actually makes me sick to my stomach. No guy should ever do that.

Things I will NOT allow:

1. SECRETS INVOLVING MY CHILDREN. No. He will not keep secrets and he definitely will not try to get my kids to keep secrets from me. This will get him booted out of our lives SO fast.
2. ACTING LIKE HE KNOWS BETTER THAN I DO. Excuse me, I’ve been with them their whole lives. Only me. It’s because of me that they are the incredible little creatures they are. I will gladly take input, but no one will never ever overrule me.
3. ANYTHING WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. I need to know where my kids are and what they are doing. Trips anywhere without my permission are not okay. Extravagant gifts need to be discussed with me first. I don’t mind if someone sneaks them a piece of candy, but anything beyond that is not happening.
4. FAVORITISM. If this is even a thought in his head, fuck him. I get that he may have more in common with one than the other and because of that, he may spend more time with one. That’s just life. However, if my boys are not treated equally, the person playing favorites can fuck right off.

Just be respectful. We are a package deal and that will never change.

Big Boy Stuff

Hi, I may have a large collection of superhero shirts (currently wearing a Dr. Strange Funko Pop shirt), but I am, in fact, an adult. Any potential love interest must also be an adult. This includes many behaviors that I will get into later, but let’s focus on things outside the relationship.

Stand on Your Own Two Feet

Mommy has done her job. An adult will not run to her any time someone looks at him wrong. An adult will help her, instead of making more work for her.

An adult knows how to pay bills. An adult will also refrain from buying expensive unnecessary items until the bills are paid.

An adult has some clothes without holes, some food in the house, and all the basic essentials (toilet paper, garbage can, etc).

An adult is not addicted to drugs, alcohol, or any other crutch. I like to have a beer now and then, but if it affects other aspects of life, it needs to stop.

It’s really not that hard, guys.

Dat Personality Doe

Now, to get into the good stuff.

Money? What’s That?

I have been poor all of my life and I am okay with that. It makes me appreciate everything I have and it forces me to get creative to make the most of it. I don’t want anyone’s money. I don’t want to be fancy. If a guy is into that kind of thing, he most likely isn’t the one for me.

However, it is perfectly fine if he spoils his

Pets

Pets are great. I love animals. Everyone should. Animals must be treated with respect. If he has a pet and doesn’t take care of it, he can go to Hell. If he is in any way unkind to animals, I may send him there myself.

Interests

We do not have to have the same interests, but if a guy has no interests, that’s a problem. Work is not all there is to life. I don’t want to share my life with someone who does not know how to have fun.

Okay, so some interests are important to share.

GAMING. I do not consider myself a gamer, but I think I need to date one. I’ve tried dating non-gamers and there was a definite void. He can’t just be into shooters, either. He has to be willing to play games that I’m interested in watching, without complaint. If he does, he will be greatly rewarded.

MOVIES. This one is a little difficult to explain. Most people say they enjoy movies, and that’s fine… but they don’t feel them. I am touched by movies. Some have even changed my life. I laugh, cry, and cheer with the characters. I carry them with me. I don’t expect this level of passion from anyone else, but I do want to be with someone who feels actual emotion from movies. I need a little more than “that fight was cool.” This is less about the movies themselves and more about his openness when it comes to emotion.

Sense of Humor

You know what instantly irritates me? “We have the same sense of humor.”
Do we? Do we?
No. But I will be laughing at your ignorance later.

My sense of humor is all over the place. I will laugh when someone says, “I do do that,” but poop/fart jokes are not at all funny to me. Clever puns are great, though I may not always show approval. Perverted jokes, executed well, are amazing.  I love my dry humor, but don’t always love it from others. There have been many times when people thought I would find content hilarious, but it was nothing to me. Unless it involves Paul Rudd, you just can’t assume with me.

That being said, a potential love interest does not have to have the same sense of humor that I do. He can sigh when I laugh at “do do” and I will roll my eyes at his puns. I will call him a nerd when his jokes reference pop culture and he can look to the heavens for assistance when I turn yet another innocent statement into innuendo.

But if he does not appreciate Paul Rudd, this isn’t going to work.

Confidence?

There seem to be a fine line between confidence and being an egomaniac. I know people who are somehow both narcissistic and self-loathing. It’s all a bit beyond me.

So what is a healthy level? I need a guy who believes in himself enough to try. Whatever it is that he wants to achieve, he needs to be able to give it the effort. When his confidence wavers, I will be there to steady him and help keep him going. With our minds and passions put together, we will be able to take on anything.

Adventure

I may seem like a homebody, but I absolutely am not. I need to go out. I need to do things. I need to experience new flavors and scents and sights. I want to check out that new store, drive a new way home, experiment with odd combination in the kitchen, and travel anywhere and everywhere.

Is there an event in town? Let’s go!
Do I seem down? Take me somewhere new!
Spare time and no ideas? Let’s find somewhere to wander!

Just let me see and do. Let me live.

Passion for Life

I know that there aren’t many whose eyes sparkle when looking at clouds and cacti and flowers in the cracks of the sidewalk. That’s perfectly fine.

But no one should try to remove that sparkle.

I love life. I love the little things. If we take a walk, I will look up at the sky, I will stop to take pictures of plants, I will talk to animals, and I will watch a spider wrap a fly in its web. I will comment about architecture, I will admire lawn ornaments, I will ooh and ahh over cool cars and I will look for graffiti on trains. I may listen to music, I may spend most of it deep in thought, or I may talk about happy or philosophical things. This is me.

People say they love this about me, but are actually bitter assholes when it happens. I will not allow anyone to suck the life out of me again.

The little things matter.

Relationship Stuff

Little Things

I will leave notes in hidden places. I will sometimes leave small gifts. I will occasionally buy him other things, when I am thinking of him.  I will go far out of my way, even injuring myself, to achieve some small thing that will make his life the tiniest bit easier, even if there’s a good chance he will never notice.

Communication

Everyone says they want communication, but they don’t actually follow through.

If my love interest cannot tell me when something is bothering him, whether it involves me or not, we cannot have a relationship. It’s that simple.

If he cannot share joys with me, then we are doomed.

If he has thoughts on subjects that he cannot share with me, there is a trust issue there that needs to be resolved.

But that’s not all there is to communication. The following goes for friends, as well.

I can’t begin to count how many times people have been upset that we don’t talk enough, but they respond to things with “ya” “ok” or “lol” only.
NOPE.
That’s not going to get you anywhere with me. You know why I text people? FOR CONVERSATION. That is not conversation. I can’t do anything with that. That will cause me to instead text someone who actually enjoys talking to me.

But what’s even worse is when this happens in person.

Yes, I am a passionate person and I can talk A LOT about a subject I care about. Whether it’s one of those subjects or not, if you have absolutely nothing to say, why should I even bother talking to you?

Don’t care about it? Here are a few acceptable responses: “I’m glad you enjoy it, even if I don’t understand it.” “I know little/nothing about that subject.” “That’s how I feel about this other thing.” “You’re a dork.”

If we can’t carry a conversation, what even are we? Let’s just follow each other on Twitter and leave it at that.

Honesty

Also for partners and friends: Don’t you dare fucking lie to me. Ever. If you do, we’re done.

Respect Privacy

I need to trust him. If he has a trustworthy friend that he wants to confide in, that’s great. He can tell them whatever he needs to. Otherwise

OUR BUSINESS IS BETWEEN US.

Everyone does not need to know every aspect of our relationship and ESPECIALLY not about my life. I share things with HIM, not everyone he knows.

And the whole sneaking around, going through my things? No. If he want to know something, he can feel free to ask. I have nothing to hide. If there’s anything I have not revealed to him automatically, it’s because I considered it insignificant. If he wants to know about it, that makes it significant and I will be glad to tell him anything. Sneaking around means that he doesn’t trust me, and therefore I should not trust him.

Don’t Be A Dick

If a guy tries to belittle me, I will take him down. I am not intimidated by anyone and when I get angry, no one can beat me. I no longer feel compassion. I no longer feel pain. All I feel is that this dick needs to be taught a lesson.

One of the most major dick moves from an ex was his attitude about my disabilities.

I Am Disabled

Think I’m just lazy? Guess I’m too lazy to answer your calls and texts anymore.
Think I’m faking it? I’ll fake disappointment when I tell you goodbye.
Think I’m using it as an excuse? Excuse me while I tell you the many ways you can fuck off.

Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia is pain. 100% of the time, I am in some amount of pain. Sometimes it’s a level I can handle and I will act as if I am fine. Sometimes it’s extreme and I can barely move. Sometimes it shows up in odd ways, like burning skin. I have no choice in any of this. There is very little that I can do to affect or predict what level I will experience at any given time.

Fibromyalgia can also result in “Fibro Fog.” This is cognitive impairment that can make thinking clearly very difficult. Absentmindedness, and lack of concentration can become extreme.

Narcolepsy

Narcolepsy is more than just randomly falling asleep. It is pure fatigue, which can hit at any time. Without medication, there is a constant exhaustion in both my mind and body.

At my worst mentally, I’ve lost time. Sometimes I space out. Sometimes I get distracted. Sometimes I find it difficult to put sentences together. Sometimes I’m just sleepy.  Caffeine does not help.

Physically, every step can be difficult. Sometimes I can push past this to do what I need to do. Other times, I can barely move at all. When I stand, it feels as if everything I am is quickly draining though my feet. Walking is like trying to walk when you’re up to your waist in sand. Sometimes my legs give out. Sometimes my arms are so weak that it takes everything I have just to hold up my phone to send a text.

Etc

Fibromyalgia and Narcolepsy work together so well that I’m honestly not sure where one ends and the other begins. These are not my only issues.

Vertigo and dizziness can be an issue. I cannot safely use ladders, even step ladders. Stairs are extremely difficult and are unsafe if I am carrying anything. My balance is a bit off, no matter what I am doing. I assume this is connected to my other issues, but it has not been confirmed.

There are smaller issues that don’t affect my day to day life, so no need to go into them.

How this Affects Us

As one might expect, I will not always feel up to doing things, no matter how badly I want to. There will also be times when I absolutely HAVE to go somewhere and do something or I will lose my fucking mind.

I will fight through any and all pain for something that is truly important. If I am needed, I will be there.

Unfortunately, sometimes all of this gets in the way of

Sex

Alright! Let’s end this on a happy note!

Dear Potential Love Interest,
If you are into feet, move along. I even wear socks during sex.
Toys bore me. I want to see what you can do, not what you can buy.
I dominate in life, therefore feel no need to dominate in bed.
I absolutely will tease you in public. Feel free to do the same.
I have a very healthy sexual appetite, but it is not all I am.
Hope to fuck you soon,
Me