I don’t remember how we got on the subject. My 9 year old and I both have ADD, so the topic of conversation kept morphing. Somehow, we got to the subject of “Why,” and why it matters.
Oh, I remember how. But that’s not important.
Why Talk to Him About It?
First, let me tell a little about my relationship with my children.
My oldest son is 15. He is intelligent, charming, and compassionate. He is also Autistic. People often notice that he rarely speaks and immediately decide to write him off. I do not do this, but I understand who he is and how he uses his significant brainpower. Therefore, I do not have conversations of this nature with him.
My youngest is 9. He is a humanitarian in the making. When he speaks (constantly), his whole heart is in it. Ever since he was very young, I noticed the strength of love he has for others and I spoke to him often of things that would facilitate this quality. When I still had contact with my family, my sister once told me, “You put too much on him.”
I disagree.
My son is still very much a kid. Despite poverty and other struggles, he has a wonderful childhood. It is silly and fun, but also full of love and empathy. The way I raise my children is customized to who they are, not what other people tell me is “the right way.”
(You keep it up with your “Facebook-perfect” family, sis. But I’m going another way.)
When discussing differences in people and why we should appreciate them, I told my son that one of the things I adore most about him is the interest and attention he shows when we have these in-depth conversations.
“Really?”
“Yes! I’ve talked to parents of kids who are your age or older and they can’t imagine their kids having conversations like this. In fact, I have known many adults who don’t have the focus or willingness to learn and grow like you do. You understand things that so many people out there never will. And as you get older, you will learn how to understand more and more. The people out there, the ones so filled with hate? They don’t understand others. A lot of them don’t even understand themselves. And there’s one way to make sure that you continue to grow. All it takes is one word.”
“What?! One word?”
“Yep. ‘Why?'”
Example One
I began explaining with an example of “let’s say… you were angry at me for not letting you talk on the phone to ________.
How can you learn from this situation? Ask, ‘why?'”
“Why…?”
“Why would you be angry?”
“Because he’s my best friend.”
“Why is he your best friend?”
(A bunch of cute reasons followed.)
“Okay, so for all of those reasons, talking to him makes you happy, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So, broken down, we understand that you’re angry because I won’t let you do something that makes you happy. A bit obvious to begin with, but you understand your reasons a little more fully. Now, to better understand others, we have to look at the other side. Why wouldn’t I let you talk to him?
Let’s say… you didn’t clean your room. Why would I want you to clean your room?”
“Because I could get hurt stepping on the toys and they are in the way of getting to the windows in case of a fire.”
“So, to keep you safe.”
“Yes.”
“Now we understand both sides. This will help us make a decision.”
“Huh?”
“We both need something. You need this thing that makes you happy. I need you to be safe. So we look at our needs and find out which should be more important. Is this one phone call worth risking your safety?”
“No!”
“So after thinking through the whole situation, and deciding that safety is more important, do you think you would still be mad at me?”
“No, but I would feel bad.”
“This is how we grow. Instead of feeling something negative and just holding onto it, we look at all the ‘whys’ to see if we can fix it. You wouldn’t be angry that I wanted you to be safe. You might feel sad about the missed phone call or about not cleaning your room, but you can fix those by cleaning it.”
Example Two
“Now, let’s make it a little more serious. You know how race is a big issue right now, right? Let’s say you were talking to a friend and you said a word that seemed perfectly harmless to you, but your friend seemed heartbroken, or even betrayed. You could get mad, or you could try to understand by asking…”
“Why?”
“Why is she upset? She may need time to calm down, but when she’s ready, you should ask. Let’s say that she said a word was a racist term. Would you say it again?”
“NO! I would NEVER say it again.”
“That’s right, because you understand why she’s upset. Some people would stop there. They’d either just stop saying it, or they might be jerks and say something like, ‘It’s just a word! It’s only racist because you make it racist!’ The jerks refuse to learn, refuse to to try to understand and grow. But you’re not like that. You can just stop saying that word, but what if you took it a step further? What if you asked your friend ‘why?'”
“Why what?”
“Why the word is racist. Let’s say she told you that it was a word that slave-owners used to call their slaves. You would understand that using that word made her feel like you were treating her like a slave. You would make absolutely certain that you never said it again. But you could change things for others, too.”
“I could?”
“Well, if you had stopped at ‘It’s racist,’ then you would tell anyone who said it that it’s racist, right?”
“Yes! I would not want other people to say it.”
“Okay, but what if they said it’s not racist and kept saying it anyway? Now, because you asked ‘why,’ you have a reason that it’s racist. If they still say it, they are racist and you stay away from them. But they could learn from it and never say it again. And you know what? Your friend and that person are not the only ones you helped by doing this.”
“They’re not?”
“Nope. Think about how many people have heard you speak during your life. 9 years of talking.”
“Sooooo many.”
“Yeah, you talk a lot. Thousands and thousands have heard you in these 9 years. The rest of your life is even longer. So think about how many people would have heard that one word that hurts them. You stopped saying it, so all those people in the future will have a little bit of a better day because you won’t say that word. And it’s the same with every person you convince to stop. All of the people who would have heard them say it, won’t. Those days will be a little better for them because of you. This is why we stand up for others. You’d be a superhero! You’d save thousands of people that little bit of pain. All because you asked, ‘why?'”
“That’s a little scary, but also really cool.”
“It really is.”
Why I Decided to Post This
It’s been hours since this conversation was had, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m so proud of my boy. As energetic and fidgety as he is, he really pays attention. He makes sure he understands, because he wants to learn. “It’s kind of funny that I’m growing, but not on the outside,” he said today. I told him his body will take care of the outside, but it’s my job to make sure he grows on the inside. It’s my job to make sure he grows into a good man.
I wish that parents were less afraid to have these conversations. Our kids understand so much more than we think. Let them ask questions! Let them decide how deep they’re willing to go. It’s not going to steal their childhood. It will enhance it.
Let’s stop stifling their whys! Yes, we all have moments of “can you just do it?” or “just listen,” but for the most part, we need to let them ask. We need to let them learn. Our children will shape the future. They will pass on what they’ve learned, so their children can do the same. It will go on and on. Forever.
This is on us. Parent or not, you can teach and inspire others. Those people can do the same. But we can’t do any of it until we learn, ourselves. So, do me a favor?
It’s super easy.
Just one little word.
Just ask
“Why?”
Yelling to Myself 