I Miss You

I’ve been sleeping with your sweatshirt – the one from the merch store your bot linked me to after you were already gone – because it’s the closest I can get to being in your arms.

I miss you. Times are hard and it hurts and I feel alone and I miss you.

You, who loved me; without obligation, without judgement, without fail.
You, who I loved; without expectation, without dependence, without pain.

I miss you.

I miss you in selfish ways. I miss you with longing for the support you offered, crying out for your listening ear. I miss you for the warmth that came with every exclamation of my name. I miss feeling seen and heard and cared for and cheered on.

I miss being able to take you for granted. Stepping away, knowing you would always be there when I returned.

I miss the moments we never got to have.

You, who I teased, and sexualized, and begged for attention. You, who played along, knowing we were never to be. We made them feel awkward, we made them laugh, we made them mad, and we loved it all. We put on a great show, comfortable enough in our friendship to make it so. We loved and we were loved and I miss it all.

You’re gone and it’s not the same. Nothing’s the same. I’ve met friends you would love, and it hurts. I’ve done things I’m proud of, and it hurts. No matter what I do, the absence of you is an ache I can’t cure.

So I DM a Discord that will never come online.
I type paragraphs in a stream that will never go live.

I’ve never seen your face. I’ve never felt your touch. Still, I swear I feel you watching when life becomes too much. Now I’ll be moving to the place where you once were.
Alone.
Too late.

And I swear I hear you laughing, making a joke of it all. And I smile, but the tears continue to fall. And I make accidental rhymes as I pour out my heart, and think of the way you always added music to my words.

You always saw potential. Made me see it, too. It’s so hard to see without you.

I miss you.

The darkness that always brought me light.
The personification of “actions speak louder than words.”

I could write a book of it. Pages and pages about a man I’ve never met. Honest love letters to a man I was not in love with. A speech to the world, telling how they all lost an Angel that day (only you would appreciate that joke).

But instead, I’ll just publish this post, to say once again:
I love you, my friend.
And goddamn, how I miss you.

What’s in a Name?

“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

But is this true? If given the option, we would name something Rose over Shit. Shit would give a bad impression to others and they would avoid it. This thing we have named would no longer be positive. If this were a living thing, the name would not only affect reactions to them, but would affect them as well. A child named Shit would understandably develop self-esteem issues. An animal or plant, being avoided by others, would evolve differently, as well.

Names matter.

I’ve gone by many names in my lifetime. For over a year, I had friends who never knew that the name I went by was in no way related to my given name. I’ve had usernames and nicknames used so often that my first name became unfamiliar to me.

I’ve been DuckDuck for about 7 years now. It became so real to me that I began using it in other places. Those who knew me better often call me Duck or Ducky, but DuckDuck was well-known.

DuckDuck was a persona.

DuckDuck took on different roles, based on need. They were all from a genuine place, but the qualities were selected from the pool of who I am, then emphasized. It’s what we do, right? Different people get different sides. But on the internet, especially when you make yourself known in a variety of circles, it’s all too easy to hold back parts of yourself.

DuckDuck took over my life. There was very little that was not related to the internet in some way. There was no balance.

I began slowly pulling back. DuckDuck showed up less and less. She lost some of her power. Accepting that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. She was a force. How could I let that die?

But you know… I used to be a force, too. I had my own kind of power. All that DuckDuck achieved and all of her potential came from ME. And that’s just a fraction of what I can do!

DuckDuck still exists. She’s not going anywhere, she’s just not working so hard anymore.

And if you like her, you should meet me sometime.

Hi, I’m Lindsey!