2023

I’ve only just gotten used to the fact that it’s 2023 and now it’s almost gone. If it weren’t for this one major change in my life, I might not believe that 2023 ever existed at all.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, so let’s just see what comes out, shall we?

When I made this move, this choice for myself earlier this year, I was excited to announce that the “selfish” act did not cause the world to end. And it didn’t. Really, I know that this situation is temporary. But… man, is this dragging on. It’s torture. It’s Hell. I have something beautiful just out of reach. My fingertips graze it, but I can’t quite get a hold. Yes, I’m closer, yes, that’s a victory in itself, but fuck, can’t I just have it? Can’t I just have something, anything to hold onto? Can’t I have one, any one thing, come easy, so I can breathe without wondering if each breath is my last? Please?

Fuck.

I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to vent or show how I’m feeling. I wanted to write a message of hope for the new year, whether I truly felt it or not. I wanted to take that mask to the grave. But I can’t anymore. I’m tired and I’m injured and the mask is broken beyond repair. I can’t fake it for you anymore. I’m sorry.

I smile and laugh a little every day. 2023 gave me that. I’m expressing myself more than I have in a long while. I’ve gotten closer to some friends and have grown distant from most others. That sounds sad, but it’s likely for the best. I am mentally, emotionally, and physically stronger, though it doesn’t seem to be that way. I love myself and care for myself more, though still not as much as I should. Right now, the days feel no different from past years, but deep down I know that a great deal of progress has been made.

But 2023, I won’t miss you.

This year was hard in ways it shouldn’t have been. It was excruciating and frightening and heartbreaking. I feel as if my soul has been stretched and pulled, like taffy. And all I can do is say, “I’ll be okay,” because I can’t even lie and pretend I’m okay now. But maybe I am, because I’m still alive and what the hell does “I’m okay” mean, anyway?

Geez, I seem to have a lot to say.

And I don’t know where to go from here. Do I learn my lesson and start 2024 off guarded, isolated, alone? Do I choose hope, knowing I’ll continue to be crushed over and over, until I’m left unrecognizable? Do I pick up an old mask and return to a life of lies, just to be with others again? No matter the choice, I will be lonely. No matter the decision, I will be in pain. It’s just about what I’m willing to sacrifice: Soul, heart, or dignity?

And that’s the thing, really. I’ve finally realized that my purpose is to sacrifice. It’s no grander or greater plan than that. I exist to lose, so others can win. I create the balance.

And there’s beauty in that, right? I know that I’d have chosen it. It’s who I am. I get my joy from that of others. But goddamn, this shit sucks sometimes. How, HOW does Life keep finding things to take from me?

And I’m still blessed, because I have the love for and from the people around me and blah blah blah, positivity and shit. And I really mean it, but also fuck all that. I wouldn’t trade my life for anyone else’s, but I want to be stupid enough to think I would. I want to be ignorant enough to feel that all this pain is for nothing. I want to want to curse the gods and anyone else in a place of power, and scream THIS ISN’T FAIR! FIX IT!

But I can’t, because I’m not that stupid. I know that my sacrifice can be used to help others. I know I’ve made a positive impact. I know that I wouldn’t be happy if everything came easy. I know that my few loved ones are so much more than worth all that I have had to endure. I know that happy phases will come again. I know that no one is going to fix this, because this is how it’s meant to be.

And though I know it will lead to disappointment, I will choose hope. I will choose to trust in promises and agreements and protocols. I will have faith in the intentions of others. I will no longer conceal my heart when it’s beautiful, when it’s longing, when it’s afraid. I will not hide behind sadness.

Because this soul is a soul worth knowing.

So BRING ON 2024!

Future?

There have been few times in my life when I saw far ahead of me.

16, madly in love, planning the décor of our future home together.
(That love lasted many years, but was too messy to work in that home.)

A little older, dreaming up lectures for my future students.
(My disabilities proved that dream impossible.)

There must be more, but I can’t remember them.

And it’s not as if I didn’t dream. I am an eternal dreamer. I never completely give up hope. I never stop coming up with ideas of what I could do or be to make the world a little better, or make someone a little happier. That is always there.

But other than those few times, my future has felt as real to me as the Korean dramas I’ve been watching. My dreams are only fantasies, my hopes are just wishes I hold in my heart. My future is tomorrow morning. It doesn’t ever go much farther than that.

So I wonder why that is. Maybe it’s because I had a childhood where I never knew whether I’d live to see the next day. Maybe it’s because I feel I’m still fighting to survive. I wish it was something simple, like fear of failure, but I know failure will come, I’ll adapt, and come up with new dreams, like I always have.

So why? How is it affecting my life, and how can I change it?

For a long time, I was making impulsive decisions in relationships. If I got along well enough with a guy, I would date him. As long as he wasn’t making my life more difficult, I’d convince myself I loved him. He’d propose, I’d say yes, because that future wedding day never felt real. It was okay if it wasn’t true love, because it was okay for now, and now was all that existed to me. I accepted too much pain, because it didn’t feel like it would last, when there was no future for it to last into. But then, at some point, it would finally become too much for even the moment and I would end it. I would have the thought, If I have a future, could I spend it like this? and I would say goodbye.
(Thank God I don’t do that anymore. If I don’t ever find someone I see a future with, I’ll just be alone.)

I’ve made life-changing decisions based on how it would benefit others. I’ve moved from state to state, running to the side of whoever I felt needed me most. I’ve moved people in with me. I’ve dedicated myself to other people in order to “save” them. I’ve spent so much money, time, and energy. I’ve risked my life for people I barely knew, or who had treated me badly, all so I could feel I’d done something good before the end.
(I believe this is fixed, at least as much as I want it to be. I still want to be a kind, loyal, helpful person, whether I die tonight or in 100 years.)

I cut people out of my life if I feel I don’t matter to them. Periodically, I go through my phone, friends lists, etc, and I’ll remove people. It’s not even about how recently we’ve talked, but whether I feel they would care if I just disappeared. It is purely based on my emotions at the time. To be completely honest, most people fall into this category, but I will keep someone if I feel they would be hurt if they ever noticed I deleted them. My remaining time feels too short to spend on people who don’t seem to care and I don’t want them cluttering up my lists and blocking my view of those who do care.
(This is a work in progress. I’ve learned not to do it immediately on impulse, at least.)

I shy away from long-term projects. If it can’t be completed during the time I can see, I will not start it. It feels like a waste to put my time and effort into something when I cannot imagine the day it will be finished. Instead, I’ll begin a project that is fleeting, but hopefully memorable in some way.
(I hope to change this one, but I’ve only now realized I do this.)

I sometimes freeze up when I become anxious about something I need to do. I will postpone it and procrastinate over and over, because I feel as if the consequences can’t affect me in a future that does not exist. Then deadline passes and suddenly it is a problem in the present. Only then does it finally get done.
(Another work in progress. I’ve gotten much better.)

I probably do more that I cannot see.

But how am I to find a solution when I do not know the cause? I can treat the symptoms I’ve discovered, but how do I cure an illness without knowing its source?

Does life have to give me a chance to build on a dream? Do I have to fall in love?

But I can’t rely on anything outside myself. So how do I convince my mind that next year will exist for me? How do I make it believe that it’s okay to plan, to begin something, to wait? How do I tell my heart that there’s something more than this, if it’ll only be patient?

Living for today is wonderful. I appreciate so much of the world that others take for granted. I take chances. I feel and love intensely. I really live.

But I’m living like I’m holding a ticking clock. I’m living like a Grim Reaper is waiting outside my window. I’m living like I have to prepare my children for my approaching death. There’s so much I haven’t done or seen and I feel like I’ve missed my opportunity. I feel like I have so much more to give, and not enough time to give it in, and I just want time to

STOP

long enough for me to figure out how to believe it will continue ticking for me.

Dear Darkness,

I hope you won’t think me ungrateful or cruel, but I can no longer pretend that I was meant for you. I know we’ll still meet from time to time, but I’m now ready to return to the light.

Thank you for your comfort throughout the years. Your embrace hid my face when I couldn’t hold back tears. You let me hide until I could come out strong, so no one had to know when something was wrong. You were the only one I could trust to always be there, to listen my songs of pain too great to bear.

I know I’ll still be able to call on you when I’m feeling alone, but I’ve got to stop relying on that comfort zone. I need to be free to take risks, fail and fall, then pick myself back up and fight through it all. I need to be scared and face the worst of my fears – admitting it hurts and showing my tears. I need to bare my scars proudly, love the stories they tell of living through curses from heaven and escaping that hell. I need to open up to the hope that there’s still love left for me, that I can be with somebody and still feel free.

So goodbye, my friend, my familiar escape. I hope you watch from a distance as my future takes shape. Know that without you, this could have never been done. Be proud, because

We did it!

We fought through it!

WE WON!

Reflection

Last night, for the first time in years, I looked in the mirror and saw myself looking back.
Yeah, a little fatter, a little older, a little more exhausted, but the core of me is still here. That hasn’t changed.

And I’ve been thinking about the fact that I have been close to death more times than I can count. Each time left its own battle scar. I used to be so ashamed of these flaws, but now I wear my marks with pride.
I was there.
I fought through it.
And I’m still standing.

I’ve even been loved, by so many. Maybe it wasn’t always the way I wanted. Maybe I didn’t feel they could truly see me, but they saw something in me. Each of them knew that I was different. Each of them wanted that difference in their life. And maybe I couldn’t love them back, or maybe I didn’t have enough faith in them, or maybe I just didn’t have enough faith in myself, but some form of love was received. And I’m still loved, every single day.

And oh, how I’ve loved! Though.. often it wasn’t the way they wanted. It was misinterpreted, taken for granted, and manipulated. It was also cherished, obsessed over, and yearned for. Some didn’t know it existed, some didn’t know the depth, and some denied it completely. But still, I love so strongly, whether strangers, friends or foes.

I’ve been lonely, too. That’s the other side of love, you know. I release my heart into the wild and I’m left feeling like something’s missing. Some days have been worse than others, but I’ve learned to appreciate those the most. Those are the days when I put so much love into the world, silently, that my heart is a little sad to not see the results. That’s okay though, because I have too much to keep close to home, and I know that it’s out there, it matters, even if I will never know how. The loneliness has a beauty of its own, and I smile to feel it, even in this moment.

So, I’ll still try to lose the weight, the lines, the dark circles, but if I can’t, that’s alright. Because I’m still here, still true to myself. Yes, I’ll fall and consider staying down. I’ll lose my way, my faith, from time to time. I’ll wear noise cancelling headphones to avoid hearing the beat of my heart. I’ll do all of these things, as I have before, but they will never last. I’ll always come back to look myself in the eyes and tell myself that I’m still worth it. I’ll never stop. I’ve already lived and loved so much more than I ever thought I would, and I will continue to do so until my last breath is stolen from my body.

If you’re reading this, I hope you will do the same.

I love you.

I’m Done.

I don’t think I can do it anymore.

When my heart is calling out, I can’t pretend I don’t care. When I’m excited, when I’m hopeful, I can’t keep it to myself. When I have a joke aching to be made, I can’t waste it. I can’t stay quiet when I have so much to say. I can’t force myself to be social when I want to be alone, and I can’t hold myself back from meeting someone new. I can’t dilute myself in order to make others more comfortable. I can’t hide anymore.

I can’t lie anymore – to myself or to anyone else. I can’t be in denial about the things I don’t want to face. I can’t lock myself away, just to hide from the truth. I can’t “play the game” or “follow the code” or whatever other bullshit people come up with to make everyone act the same.

I have to follow my heart. I have to be loyal to my soul.

My friends, you’re going to see me. Really see me. You’re going to see my ugly expressions and hear me sing terribly and feel love and care emanating from me. You’re going to see my creations and hear my random thoughts and feel awkward and weird, because I’m awkward and weird. I’m going to annoy you. I’m going to confuse you and sadden you and offend you. I’m going to make you laugh. I’m going to warm your heart. I may even inspire you once or twice. There will be times when you don’t trust me, but I’ll be telling the truth. There will be times when you’ll take me seriously, but I’ll be telling a joke. We’ll sort it out eventually, because that’s what you do when you care about each other. You work it out. You keep going.

So, from here on out, I won’t start anything that’s not true to who I am. I won’t just go through the motions. I won’t commit to something that’s not my dream. I will keep fighting for what I want, what I believe in, even if I have to fight alone.

Because contentment doesn’t exist for me. “Good enough” and “okay” are not words I can relate to. I don’t do “half-way” or “kinda” or “almost.” I will stay forever, growing and improving, as long as what I commit to is doing the same, but I will not get stuck in a rut anymore.

That’s not a way that I can live.

And it’s time to start living the way I was meant to, the way I never was fully able to experience. It’s time to embrace the fear, the excitement, the peace and the sorrow. It’s time to set my spirit free.

And that begins NOW.

Evolution

People often find it strange that I can forget things that should have been noteworthy events in my life – being married, for example. I admit that it sounds odd, maybe even unbelievable.

But that wasn’t me.

She was a shy girl, afraid of confrontation and ashamed of who she was. She had been convinced she was worthless, so she jumped at any opportunity to sacrifice herself for even the tiniest benefit of another. She was desperate for affection, but thought herself unworthy of it; when it actually came, she couldn’t believe in it.

Looking back, it’s so difficult to believe that I evolved from that person. She seems so distant, so different. That life doesn’t feel like mine.

And I’m sitting here, trying to figure out the cause of this change. Trying to decide who saved me. It’s so silly that I feel I have to give someone else credit. I guess that fearful girl is still here in some small scale.

Yes, I’ve had friends over the years who have come and gone, helping me at various points in my life. I’ve been inspired by movies and music and books. I’ve seen sunsets and felt the rumble of thunderstorms that fueled me. Yes, I have been blessed with the ability to draw wisdom and strength from even simple occurrences, such as a plastic bag caught in a tree, or a leaf being ushered down a street. I’ve even learned lessons from characters born of my own mind. I know that this is a blessing, but it is my blessing. It all originates with me.

Little by little, I made myself stronger. I made myself wiser. I took what was cast upon me and made it something beautiful. I made myself whole.

So it makes sense that I often forget those pieces of past left behind. I feel no connection to them now.

I am a tree with full branches, still reaching toward the sky. I have no thoughts or recognition for the worms that tried to chew through my seed. I’d rather focus on the sun, the breeze, the lovely creatures who enjoy my branches and shade.

My rings will record my story

But for now, I’m just going to continue living it.

Past vs Present

I was supposed to wake at 6am today. Instead, I woke at 4am, from a dream that felt strangely natural to me.

A man I barely knew, but found attractive, made a joke about starting a family with me, and in response, I spread my legs a little wider. No other change in expression or body language.

At a loss for words, he couldn’t take his eyes off me. After a moment, he sat a few feet in front of me. I scooted an inch or two toward him. Again, I showed no other change in action or expression.

We both knew it then – He was hooked.

And though I no longer play those games, I woke with so many memories flooding in. So many guys I drew in, then put a wall between us. I adored many of them, but I kept a boyfriend whom I didn’t truly love, so I had an excuse not to open my heart to anyone.

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. But it empowered me.

I’m not that tease anymore. I have grown to be open with my love, platonic or romantic. Sometimes I falter, sometimes I hide when things get hard and I don’t want others to see how much it hurts me, but I openly admit that I care (too much).

And though I have so much love to offer a partner, I am alone. I probably deserve to be. Sometimes I fear the loneliness will drown me, but I have also learned to turn some of that love toward myself.

No, people aren’t drawn to me anymore. I don’t have anyone infatuated or obsessed. I don’t have ten guys texting me throughout each day. I don’t even have one.

But the thing is, those people from my past never really saw me. They saw what they wanted to see. They saw my model-level looks, they saw the sexy body language, they saw the shyness that was only an adorable act. They saw a little attitude, and a little of my good nature, but only enough to enhance everything else. The close friends saw that I was also truly intelligent.

But they never saw past the bullshit.

Now that bullshit is gone and what’s left isn’t always pretty. Sometimes scary, sometimes sad, often awkward and silly and weird. My love pours forth, bringing all side effects with it, and the openness and honesty are so uncommon that it can overwhelm.

I know, I know, I’m intense. But I love me this way.

Yes, I loved the attention when I was younger, thinner, more guarded. I loved the power. I loved the control. I loved the security in knowing I could have my way, any way, if I wanted it.

But now, I love the freedom. I’m free to love and free to get hurt. I’m free to pull people close, and free to walk away. I can pour my heart out, knowing that many will not bother to listen, cannot be bothered to truly care. I can sing out loud, with a terrible voice. I can type out a blog that few will ever read. I can walk a tightrope of faith without the spiked “safety” net below. I can walk into darkness, without voices talking over one another to get my attention, distracting me and causing me to lose my way. I can be excited, offended, hopeful, disappointed, friendly, angry, passionate, uncertain, and afraid. I can live genuinely, knowing that those around me can actually see me – the real me – and all others will fade.

I may not be the beauty I once was, but my soul is more beautiful than my appearance has ever been.

And the freedom is the most beautiful of all.

I Miss You

I’ve been sleeping with your sweatshirt – the one from the merch store your bot linked me to after you were already gone – because it’s the closest I can get to being in your arms.

I miss you. Times are hard and it hurts and I feel alone and I miss you.

You, who loved me; without obligation, without judgement, without fail.
You, who I loved; without expectation, without dependence, without pain.

I miss you.

I miss you in selfish ways. I miss you with longing for the support you offered, crying out for your listening ear. I miss you for the warmth that came with every exclamation of my name. I miss feeling seen and heard and cared for and cheered on.

I miss being able to take you for granted. Stepping away, knowing you would always be there when I returned.

I miss the moments we never got to have.

You, who I teased, and sexualized, and begged for attention. You, who played along, knowing we were never to be. We made them feel awkward, we made them laugh, we made them mad, and we loved it all. We put on a great show, comfortable enough in our friendship to make it so. We loved and we were loved and I miss it all.

You’re gone and it’s not the same. Nothing’s the same. I’ve met friends you would love, and it hurts. I’ve done things I’m proud of, and it hurts. No matter what I do, the absence of you is an ache I can’t cure.

So I DM a Discord that will never come online.
I type paragraphs in a stream that will never go live.

I’ve never seen your face. I’ve never felt your touch. Still, I swear I feel you watching when life becomes too much. Now I’ll be moving to the place where you once were.
Alone.
Too late.

And I swear I hear you laughing, making a joke of it all. And I smile, but the tears continue to fall. And I make accidental rhymes as I pour out my heart, and think of the way you always added music to my words.

You always saw potential. Made me see it, too. It’s so hard to see without you.

I miss you.

The darkness that always brought me light.
The personification of “actions speak louder than words.”

I could write a book of it. Pages and pages about a man I’ve never met. Honest love letters to a man I was not in love with. A speech to the world, telling how they all lost an Angel that day (only you would appreciate that joke).

But instead, I’ll just publish this post, to say once again:
I love you, my friend.
And goddamn, how I miss you.

Collectible

You tell me I’m special, place me up high;
My plaque and pedestal shine.
You proudly show me to your friends,
“I cannot believe she’s mine!”
You tell them I must remain unchanged,
Safe in my protective shell.
“Don’t get too close,” you warn them,
But… I long to be held…
I sit here as a trophy,
A prize that you have won;
You no longer even see me,
Only the title I’ve become.
I gather dust, unnoticed,
As my novelty starts to fade,
The clock ticking away the days
Until another takes my place.
The last of my hope is extinguished
By darkness in the box I’m shoved-
You wanted me for your tally…
I just wanted to be loved.

No Regrets

RE-BIRTH

I met him in darkness,
Both our souls reaching
For a heart to relate to,
Something to hold.
In young desperation,
With tortured wisdom,
Through formidable distance,
We bonded ourselves.

But the anesthetic darkness
Grew ever more potent;
We couldn’t feel our bond breaking
As we each searched an escape.
And as I was gasping
Alone in the poison,
I found inner light
To guide my way.

I called into the shadows,
But I heard no answer.
The light flickered a warning:
“Be free or consumed.”
So as I left him behind me,
I dropped one final letter:
“I’m sorry that finding myself
Meant losing you.”

DISTORTED LOVE

He spoke all the right words
Without hesitation,
With an easy smile,
Practiced deception.
I spent so much time
Checking myself in the mirror,
Examining each flaw,
That I couldn’t see his.
And when I met his gaze
I swore he saw into me,
Straight to my core,
But it was not so.
He only looked through me
To his own reflection;
All of his love
Was for him, not me.

But never did I falter,
Never did I fail,
I gave my whole heart
Time and time again.
I do not regret it,
Not even a moment,
For there was beauty in believing,
There is beauty in faith,
And now I know
That I am deserving,
And that I can accept it
When love finds me one day.

_ _

I tried to love them.
I lied, to love them
As much as I could,
Though it was hollow, I knew.
And I committed a moment
And many more after
To these falsehoods, in hope
That I could make them true.
But my heart fights my battles
And it only grows stronger
Against my betrayal;
It cannot lose.
So I sit here, lonely,
But with anticipation,
Knowing that one day, this heart
Will be fighting for you.