Honesty

It’s been a while. I stopped posting because I promised myself that I wouldn’t put anything on here if I started choosing my words based on the readers’ feelings. I don’t know where the worry came from or why, but it was there. It was there and that meant that whatever I said wouldn’t be what I really wanted to say.

Well, fuck that. Hiding never got me anywhere.

So here’s the ugly truth: It all hurts a little right now. I feel so stupid for feeling this way. My life is pretty damn great and a lot of my hardships are my own doing… But there’s a heaviness in my chest and it’s making me less than my best. I don’t want anyone to see it. I don’t want anyone to see my weakness.

Why do I keep forgetting that there’s strength in weakness? That there can be no courage without fear?

So yes, it hurts. I’ve frozen. I’m not taking care of the things I need to be taking care of. There are too many, I can’t focus enough to see priority, and so I
just
stand
still.

And there’s nothing I hate more. Being stuck, making no progress, I cannot stand it! Absentmindedly, I scratch and claw at my own skin, as if trying to dig to the part of me that gets shit done.

Which, of course, just creates more problems.

I’m trying to fix it, but I’m just treating the symptoms, not the disease. I could get help, I know I could, but I don’t want to burden anyone. I exaggerate and joke about more entertaining, less significant flaws, using misdirection to take focus off the things I don’t want noticed.

And it works (mostly).
But I hate it.

So, here I am, saying what I don’t want to say. I’ve stopped typing more times than I can count, distracted myself, trying to escape the discomfort, giving myself an out. You’re reading this, so obviously I didn’t take it.

Hey, that’s a little progress itself.

I’m Done.

I don’t think I can do it anymore.

When my heart is calling out, I can’t pretend I don’t care. When I’m excited, when I’m hopeful, I can’t keep it to myself. When I have a joke aching to be made, I can’t waste it. I can’t stay quiet when I have so much to say. I can’t force myself to be social when I want to be alone, and I can’t hold myself back from meeting someone new. I can’t dilute myself in order to make others more comfortable. I can’t hide anymore.

I can’t lie anymore – to myself or to anyone else. I can’t be in denial about the things I don’t want to face. I can’t lock myself away, just to hide from the truth. I can’t “play the game” or “follow the code” or whatever other bullshit people come up with to make everyone act the same.

I have to follow my heart. I have to be loyal to my soul.

My friends, you’re going to see me. Really see me. You’re going to see my ugly expressions and hear me sing terribly and feel love and care emanating from me. You’re going to see my creations and hear my random thoughts and feel awkward and weird, because I’m awkward and weird. I’m going to annoy you. I’m going to confuse you and sadden you and offend you. I’m going to make you laugh. I’m going to warm your heart. I may even inspire you once or twice. There will be times when you don’t trust me, but I’ll be telling the truth. There will be times when you’ll take me seriously, but I’ll be telling a joke. We’ll sort it out eventually, because that’s what you do when you care about each other. You work it out. You keep going.

So, from here on out, I won’t start anything that’s not true to who I am. I won’t just go through the motions. I won’t commit to something that’s not my dream. I will keep fighting for what I want, what I believe in, even if I have to fight alone.

Because contentment doesn’t exist for me. “Good enough” and “okay” are not words I can relate to. I don’t do “half-way” or “kinda” or “almost.” I will stay forever, growing and improving, as long as what I commit to is doing the same, but I will not get stuck in a rut anymore.

That’s not a way that I can live.

And it’s time to start living the way I was meant to, the way I never was fully able to experience. It’s time to embrace the fear, the excitement, the peace and the sorrow. It’s time to set my spirit free.

And that begins NOW.