I Miss You

I’ve been sleeping with your sweatshirt – the one from the merch store your bot linked me to after you were already gone – because it’s the closest I can get to being in your arms.

I miss you. Times are hard and it hurts and I feel alone and I miss you.

You, who loved me; without obligation, without judgement, without fail.
You, who I loved; without expectation, without dependence, without pain.

I miss you.

I miss you in selfish ways. I miss you with longing for the support you offered, crying out for your listening ear. I miss you for the warmth that came with every exclamation of my name. I miss feeling seen and heard and cared for and cheered on.

I miss being able to take you for granted. Stepping away, knowing you would always be there when I returned.

I miss the moments we never got to have.

You, who I teased, and sexualized, and begged for attention. You, who played along, knowing we were never to be. We made them feel awkward, we made them laugh, we made them mad, and we loved it all. We put on a great show, comfortable enough in our friendship to make it so. We loved and we were loved and I miss it all.

You’re gone and it’s not the same. Nothing’s the same. I’ve met friends you would love, and it hurts. I’ve done things I’m proud of, and it hurts. No matter what I do, the absence of you is an ache I can’t cure.

So I DM a Discord that will never come online.
I type paragraphs in a stream that will never go live.

I’ve never seen your face. I’ve never felt your touch. Still, I swear I feel you watching when life becomes too much. Now I’ll be moving to the place where you once were.
Alone.
Too late.

And I swear I hear you laughing, making a joke of it all. And I smile, but the tears continue to fall. And I make accidental rhymes as I pour out my heart, and think of the way you always added music to my words.

You always saw potential. Made me see it, too. It’s so hard to see without you.

I miss you.

The darkness that always brought me light.
The personification of “actions speak louder than words.”

I could write a book of it. Pages and pages about a man I’ve never met. Honest love letters to a man I was not in love with. A speech to the world, telling how they all lost an Angel that day (only you would appreciate that joke).

But instead, I’ll just publish this post, to say once again:
I love you, my friend.
And goddamn, how I miss you.

Delete Delete Delete

I am finally, after 34 years, at a point where I am truly myself. No masking, no diluting, no persona to take control. And I want to show that, I want to help people see the real me… but there’s only so much they want to see. It differs with every person and it can be difficult to find the line.

Open up
Delete delete
Spill my guts
Delete delete delete
Say hi
Delete

I don’t know how to interact with people.

But I’m lucky, you know? I’m lucky because I found a few whom I truly fit with. Who, even when they don’t completely understand me, accept me. Adore me, even.

I don’t have to delete anymore.

And I guess that’s really what I need to follow. Not the ones who make me feel like there’s something wrong with me. Not the ones who make me wonder what they think or feel. Not the ones who keep me at arm’s length. The ones who show me that if I were gone, my absence would be felt.

Those are my people.

Those are the ones I won’t leave. I’d walk through Hell with them, without even being asked.

For the rest, I’ll simply fade away.

Dear ‘Digo,

Obviously, you will never read this, being a cat… but there’s something about just getting things out into the universe. It feels right.

I’m sorry for all you’ve been through. I don’t know much about it, but I know you were returned to the rescue twice before we met. Then you chose us, when we weren’t even looking for a cat. Everything about it felt like it was meant to be. We understood each other.

We’ve had a lot of rough times, but we stuck it out together. 4 years, 3 states, 3 relationships, lost all my friends and family, got diagnosed with multiple severe conditions, you got diagnosed with one, but we still were together. You’ve always been exactly what I needed, when I needed it. I trusted in you, let you have your own adventures. We had our beautiful moments, just the two of us.

Hard times came and I had to let someone else take care of you for a bit. But she didn’t do a very good job, did she? I don’t know all of it, but I know enough to never speak to her again.

And then we found someone who was good to you for a bit. That was great. You loved her, even though you don’t love anybody but me.

Then we came here. We were finally together again. And now you’re missing.

What happened? You have always been good out there, and I tried to limit your time. I tried to find a balance between letting you have freedom and keeping you safe. You’re so much like me… You can’t stand to be locked away. And you always listen, always come home when called. Always. Except on Saturday.

Where are you? Are you lost? Hurt? Did someone take you in? I know you would never leave me purposely. I just wish I knew you were okay.

I’m sorry for the things I should have done better. I’m sorry for the times we were apart, and for not giving you what you deserved while together. I’m sorry that it was taking me so long to gather money for your surgery. I was trying. I tried to make the smart choices. I will do better.

I’m sure that hope was hard during the times when we were apart. I’m sure there was a feeling that I would never return. But I did. And even though it feels like you’re gone forever, I have to believe you will return to me, too. I won’t give up on you.

Wherever you are, I hope you’re safe. I miss you. I can’t stop crying. You are a huge part of me that is suddenly missing, without explanation, and it kills me. I think I see you sometimes. Or hear you. But it’s only wishful thinking. I wish I had a sign of where you are, or whether you’re okay. I wish… really, I just wish you’d find your way home to me.

I love you. I need you. Please come home.