I Miss You

I’ve been sleeping with your sweatshirt – the one from the merch store your bot linked me to after you were already gone – because it’s the closest I can get to being in your arms.

I miss you. Times are hard and it hurts and I feel alone and I miss you.

You, who loved me; without obligation, without judgement, without fail.
You, who I loved; without expectation, without dependence, without pain.

I miss you.

I miss you in selfish ways. I miss you with longing for the support you offered, crying out for your listening ear. I miss you for the warmth that came with every exclamation of my name. I miss feeling seen and heard and cared for and cheered on.

I miss being able to take you for granted. Stepping away, knowing you would always be there when I returned.

I miss the moments we never got to have.

You, who I teased, and sexualized, and begged for attention. You, who played along, knowing we were never to be. We made them feel awkward, we made them laugh, we made them mad, and we loved it all. We put on a great show, comfortable enough in our friendship to make it so. We loved and we were loved and I miss it all.

You’re gone and it’s not the same. Nothing’s the same. I’ve met friends you would love, and it hurts. I’ve done things I’m proud of, and it hurts. No matter what I do, the absence of you is an ache I can’t cure.

So I DM a Discord that will never come online.
I type paragraphs in a stream that will never go live.

I’ve never seen your face. I’ve never felt your touch. Still, I swear I feel you watching when life becomes too much. Now I’ll be moving to the place where you once were.
Alone.
Too late.

And I swear I hear you laughing, making a joke of it all. And I smile, but the tears continue to fall. And I make accidental rhymes as I pour out my heart, and think of the way you always added music to my words.

You always saw potential. Made me see it, too. It’s so hard to see without you.

I miss you.

The darkness that always brought me light.
The personification of “actions speak louder than words.”

I could write a book of it. Pages and pages about a man I’ve never met. Honest love letters to a man I was not in love with. A speech to the world, telling how they all lost an Angel that day (only you would appreciate that joke).

But instead, I’ll just publish this post, to say once again:
I love you, my friend.
And goddamn, how I miss you.

Dear ______,

A game recently told me that I build a fortress around myself. It said that my life experiences make me believe that I can only rely on myself, so I keep fortifying the walls to keep everyone out.

Another told me that I keep others at arm’s length, because I believe that they will never really understand me, and so will let me down.

I hate how accurate they are.

I have spent so many years perfecting the art of telling people just enough to make them feel close, while keeping them on the other side of my walls. I have heard people call me their best friend, while I knew that they didn’t really know me at all.

But you see the walls, don’t you? You try to coax me into lowering them, letting you see inside..

And it almost works.

Your charm weakens me. Your comforting tone so enticing, I dream of wrapping it around me. If the walls came down and your arms outstretched, I know I would step right into them, ready to go anywhere, do anything with you.

But I can’t.

I can’t take them down if your interest is not lasting. I can’t erase years of hard work for only a moment of your affection. I can’t break down my beliefs without something else to believe in.

It has to be meaningful.

So if you’re real, hold on a little longer. If you have hope, don’t give up. If you think there’s a chance, I’m willing to take it.

I’ll risk it all if you’ll only ask.