1,000 Paper Cranes: Day 1 (and 2?)

I thought I would start off strong, fold for hours, and produce great results.

I was wrong. Crane count: 2.

But it ended up working out perfectly for me, in a way.

I chose to come out of isolation and socialize instead. I spent quite a bit of time with two people who are important to me, laughing and enjoying ridiculousness. It felt divine.
How long had it been? I don’t even want to guess. I was just happy to lay aside complicated history and current circumstances and self-doubt. I was happy to just be, with people who knew me. The deep thoughts from that day and the conversations of the next are exactly what I wanted while folding.

It’s after 4am, I’ve got a single song on repeat, and I’m ready to spill my guts

I was in a call with my adopted daughter, describing a friend of mine who passed away before my daughter and I met. She spoke three words that linger in my mind.

That’s True Love

True love. They say it, they sing about it, but how often does anyone actually know it? Have I? Whether platonic or romantic, was it, in fact, true love?

Yes, I’ve had it.

Anyone who knows my past would think I was about to talk about that one guy I couldn’t fall out of love with for fifteen years. And yes, I loved him. I loved him to an insane degree. I poured my soul into him, believing his was my mate. He seemed to feel the same; I was still in his heart. The intensity of our connection was something all could see. Surely this was true love?

Close, but not quite. From the beginning, I put this man on a pedestal so high that I couldn’t quite see him. I took what I saw and filled in the rest with legend. I believed in my story, sang it up to him and made him believe it, too. Yes, I loved him deeply, madly, but it was not true. It was a combination of him and my own design.
And he, he loved me, at least what he could see.. but much of his focus was on the serenade. He loved my story, but his love wasn’t true. He loved only the legend and the mind that made the lie.

So many lies with so many guys.

But one man stands out. He knew me, I knew him. We may not have known all the details, but they didn’t matter – we were friends and loved each other unconditionally. We loved what we could see and what we couldn’t. We loved what we agreed on and what we didn’t. We loved all versions; past, future, and present.

That’s true love.

Years after he has passed, I still feel him with me. True love that lasts beyond death.. It exists, and that means it is possible again.

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Thank you, my friend. Although you’re gone, you’re still the one I lean on.

Dear Darkness,

I hope you won’t think me ungrateful or cruel, but I can no longer pretend that I was meant for you. I know we’ll still meet from time to time, but I’m now ready to return to the light.

Thank you for your comfort throughout the years. Your embrace hid my face when I couldn’t hold back tears. You let me hide until I could come out strong, so no one had to know when something was wrong. You were the only one I could trust to always be there, to listen my songs of pain too great to bear.

I know I’ll still be able to call on you when I’m feeling alone, but I’ve got to stop relying on that comfort zone. I need to be free to take risks, fail and fall, then pick myself back up and fight through it all. I need to be scared and face the worst of my fears – admitting it hurts and showing my tears. I need to bare my scars proudly, love the stories they tell of living through curses from heaven and escaping that hell. I need to open up to the hope that there’s still love left for me, that I can be with somebody and still feel free.

So goodbye, my friend, my familiar escape. I hope you watch from a distance as my future takes shape. Know that without you, this could have never been done. Be proud, because

We did it!

We fought through it!

WE WON!

I’m Done.

I don’t think I can do it anymore.

When my heart is calling out, I can’t pretend I don’t care. When I’m excited, when I’m hopeful, I can’t keep it to myself. When I have a joke aching to be made, I can’t waste it. I can’t stay quiet when I have so much to say. I can’t force myself to be social when I want to be alone, and I can’t hold myself back from meeting someone new. I can’t dilute myself in order to make others more comfortable. I can’t hide anymore.

I can’t lie anymore – to myself or to anyone else. I can’t be in denial about the things I don’t want to face. I can’t lock myself away, just to hide from the truth. I can’t “play the game” or “follow the code” or whatever other bullshit people come up with to make everyone act the same.

I have to follow my heart. I have to be loyal to my soul.

My friends, you’re going to see me. Really see me. You’re going to see my ugly expressions and hear me sing terribly and feel love and care emanating from me. You’re going to see my creations and hear my random thoughts and feel awkward and weird, because I’m awkward and weird. I’m going to annoy you. I’m going to confuse you and sadden you and offend you. I’m going to make you laugh. I’m going to warm your heart. I may even inspire you once or twice. There will be times when you don’t trust me, but I’ll be telling the truth. There will be times when you’ll take me seriously, but I’ll be telling a joke. We’ll sort it out eventually, because that’s what you do when you care about each other. You work it out. You keep going.

So, from here on out, I won’t start anything that’s not true to who I am. I won’t just go through the motions. I won’t commit to something that’s not my dream. I will keep fighting for what I want, what I believe in, even if I have to fight alone.

Because contentment doesn’t exist for me. “Good enough” and “okay” are not words I can relate to. I don’t do “half-way” or “kinda” or “almost.” I will stay forever, growing and improving, as long as what I commit to is doing the same, but I will not get stuck in a rut anymore.

That’s not a way that I can live.

And it’s time to start living the way I was meant to, the way I never was fully able to experience. It’s time to embrace the fear, the excitement, the peace and the sorrow. It’s time to set my spirit free.

And that begins NOW.