I Miss You

I’ve been sleeping with your sweatshirt – the one from the merch store your bot linked me to after you were already gone – because it’s the closest I can get to being in your arms.

I miss you. Times are hard and it hurts and I feel alone and I miss you.

You, who loved me; without obligation, without judgement, without fail.
You, who I loved; without expectation, without dependence, without pain.

I miss you.

I miss you in selfish ways. I miss you with longing for the support you offered, crying out for your listening ear. I miss you for the warmth that came with every exclamation of my name. I miss feeling seen and heard and cared for and cheered on.

I miss being able to take you for granted. Stepping away, knowing you would always be there when I returned.

I miss the moments we never got to have.

You, who I teased, and sexualized, and begged for attention. You, who played along, knowing we were never to be. We made them feel awkward, we made them laugh, we made them mad, and we loved it all. We put on a great show, comfortable enough in our friendship to make it so. We loved and we were loved and I miss it all.

You’re gone and it’s not the same. Nothing’s the same. I’ve met friends you would love, and it hurts. I’ve done things I’m proud of, and it hurts. No matter what I do, the absence of you is an ache I can’t cure.

So I DM a Discord that will never come online.
I type paragraphs in a stream that will never go live.

I’ve never seen your face. I’ve never felt your touch. Still, I swear I feel you watching when life becomes too much. Now I’ll be moving to the place where you once were.
Alone.
Too late.

And I swear I hear you laughing, making a joke of it all. And I smile, but the tears continue to fall. And I make accidental rhymes as I pour out my heart, and think of the way you always added music to my words.

You always saw potential. Made me see it, too. It’s so hard to see without you.

I miss you.

The darkness that always brought me light.
The personification of “actions speak louder than words.”

I could write a book of it. Pages and pages about a man I’ve never met. Honest love letters to a man I was not in love with. A speech to the world, telling how they all lost an Angel that day (only you would appreciate that joke).

But instead, I’ll just publish this post, to say once again:
I love you, my friend.
And goddamn, how I miss you.

🥳

Tomorrow is my birthday.

At first I was going to slip into my old habit of ignoring it, but being around friends changed my mind.

Making it through this year is something to be proud of!

SO much has happened. COVID almost took me out and that wasn’t even a major point. It’s been a struggle. It’s been a fight. BUT I’M STILL HERE.

And not only am I here, but I am full of love for and from great friends, who mean the world to me. I have feelings for an incredible man, and though I don’t expect that to develop into anything, I am truly happy just to have him in my life. I have my boys, who frustrate and amaze me every single day.

And I have myself.

I have not let the fire go out. I am still very much me, as weird and emotional and intense and silly as I ever was. I love who I am, flaws and all. I’m continuing to work on myself. For the past year, I have been a lot kinder to myself on the inside. I’ve taken better care of my heart, mind, and soul, and I have gained a lot from that.

I have not, however, taken very good care of myself physically. That will change, though.

That’s not the only upcoming change. I have plans. I don’t know how many will actually happen, but I know the first step is moving to a place where progress is possible. I’m working on that, and I don’t plan on stopping there. I will not give up. I will not surrender.

So I have many reasons to celebrate! Life is chaotically wonderful and I can only hope it will continue to be so. Just like this post, which went in a completely different direction than intended, I hope that the next year is filled with unexpected twists and turns. The good, the bad, I’ll take it all! I’ll let it shape me, strengthen me, and bring me closer to the ones I love.

Because, really… isn’t that what life is all about?

~ 💜 ~

My main goal for the next year of my life is to commit to true love. Romantic, platonic, love of life… any and all that I can get. But it has to be real. No more playing around, no more tests, no more teaching lessons or taking on something I don’t feel, just to help someone else. From now on, it’s real, or it’s nothing.