I’m Not That Girl.

I feel like people want me to be someone I’m not.. but I’m not going to fake it for anyone. I spent too much of my life doing that, and I can’t do it anymore. I won’t. And you know what? I like the real me so much better!

So here’s the truth.

I make dirty jokes because I think they’re fun. I am not someone to sext with. I don’t want dick pics, even if I’m into you. I’m not a big fan of porn. I want the real thing or nothing at all. I do have a great sexual appetite.. for whoever I have feelings for. I don’t share and I do not want to be shared. I am perfectly pleased in monogamy.

I’m not competing with other women for anyone. As much as I may care for someone, he’s either going to want me or he’s not. If he’s torn between me and someone else, I hope he chooses the other person, because I want someone who only wants me.

I’m not the life of the party. I don’t want to be. I may have witty remarks. I may occasionally attract attention. I am okay with this, but I don’t want to be the star of the show. My role is that of the supporting character, always.

I’m not going to fake it. I’m not going to suck up or say “it’s okay” when it’s not. I’m not going to pretend I like something I don’t. I’m not going to be bubbly when I’m not feeling it. I’m not going to lie to make anyone feel better. I’m going to be honest, even if it hurts everyone involved. I’m going to show my heart, even when it’s angry or sad. I may be a “downer,” but I’m real.

I don’t play mind games for attention. I don’t cry for help. I’m not looking for anyone to save me or fix me. I do that myself. If asked, I will tell what I’m dealing with, but I expect nothing to come of it. I rely on no one but myself. I keep an open mind if there are suggestions, but it is my life, my responsibility, and I will not burden anyone else.

I will not be used. I will not be taken advantage of. I’ve lived that pathetic life and I will not do it again. I will go to great lengths for the right person, but I will not be a pushover. If I feel taken for granted, I’m likely to ghost the person. I have too much respect for myself to allow another to disrespect me.

I will not try to change anyone, and I will not be changed. I believe you should appreciate people for who they are. You can speak your mind, but hold no expectations, and only stick around if you can accept things as they are. A person should change only if they believe they should. So, I keep an open mind and listen if someone has a problem, but if I don’t see it as a problem, I am not changing a thing. And I’ll not ask that of anyone else.

I am not the best at anything. I’m not very good at video games. I enjoy watching more than playing, in most cases. I cannot sing or play an instrument. I’m not athletic. I’m not a good artist. I am not very attractive. My humor doesn’t appeal to many. I am okay with all of these things. I don’t need to be great in them. I am happy to admire these qualities in others instead of trying to prove myself in these areas.

I am not always going to feel like being social. I love people and am usually up for hanging out with the right ones, but most exhaust me. There could be a group of five of my favorite people, but when the sixth person is someone I don’t really click with, it takes everything I have to spend my time with them. I wasn’t always this way and I don’t particularly enjoy it, but it is what it is.

I am not a partier. Drinking can be nice, but bars and clubs do not appeal to me. Getting wasted or high is not my idea of fun. I take joy in life itself, not numbing myself to it. Experiences, silliness, creativity, heart… these are the things that get me excited. These are the memories I keep.

I cannot be superficial. I don’t care about money. I don’t care about fancy dinners, big houses, expensive clothes, or the latest tech. I don’t need much to be happy.

I will not ditch my friends for my relationship. Anyone I am with would have to start out as a good friend, and any friend of mine should understand how important they all are to me. Obviously priorities have to be kept in mind, and sometimes the relationship will come first, but not always. A friend having a breakdown overrides a movie date. My partner cannot be my whole world, and I do not want to be theirs. Other parts of life matter, too.

But the one thing that is most important for people to realize about me is..
I AM emotion. I feel mine and those of everyone around me. It is intense. I am intense. In the past, I have tried to mute it, dilute myself. I have tried to become less, so I wouldn’t be too much for others. To do that is to not be myself, and I end up sinking into a deep depression. So, know that I’m a lot. Know that I’m not exaggerating or overdramatizing. Know that I get enraged, ecstatic, sorrowful, tender, anxious, and excitable. I am always feeling. I am always thinking. It takes a lot to bring me down and very little to bring me up, but I do feel it all. It is all a form of passion, and I am overflowing with passion. It will not, cannot change.

So if you’re looking for someone gorgeous to show off your money, I’m not that girl.
If you’re looking for someone shallow, to just have fun with, I’m not that girl.
If you’re looking for someone to save, someone to use, someone to change, I’m not her.
If you’re looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear, that’s not me either.
Weird. Complicated. Sentimental. Thoughtful. Silly. Real.
That’s me.
I’m that girl.