Moody Bitch or Just Too Open?

I feel everything intensely… or I feel nothing. There is no in-between for me.

I can be hard to keep up with. I can be a lot to handle.

It would be easy for someone to thrust a label upon me. Some say I’m Bipolar, some say I’m severely depressed, some say I’m manic, some say I’m crazy.

In all honesty, I’m just…

Tired.

I’m tired of faking, of hiding, or holding back. I’m tired of letting opportunities slip by because I was too afraid to admit the truth. I’m tired of the mind games and the bullshit. I want to be open. I want to be honest. I want to be

Real.

So, here’s the truth:

I am afraid.

I’ve reached a point in my life where this huge move could change everything for me. It could be a legitimate future, instead of the usual “for now” that I always settle for. For the first time, it feels like I may be getting what I need most.

But

As usual, everything is crashing down on me. The pressure has tripled. Time is ticking away and the tasks required seem absolutely impossible. I don’t know the steps I need to be taking. All I know is that I need to make this work somehow. If I don’t… if I don’t, it might just kill me. Not physically, but I don’t know if this soul can take that failure. I have fought through way too much for such a silly thing to take me down, but it could. It could, because my whole heart is in this.

So, I hope the rest of my life will forgive me if I don’t give it the attention it deserves. I have to take care of this before I can be any good for anything else.

And love, if you’re out there… if the right one for me actually exists… Just hold on a little longer. Let me become myself again, so I can be what you deserve. I promise you a life of frustration and immeasurable joy. I promise you days that feel pulled straight from a movie and days of mellow contentment. I promise you a life of silliness and surprises and chaos. I promise you struggles, but rewards that are more than worth them. Most of all, I promise you love… love like you can’t even imagine.

I got this. I cannot fail. I have too much to look forward to.