I’m sure as hell feeling now. What I feel most is the need to get away from that which harms me. That which does not comprehend me, or try to, and so has nothing positive for me.
I try to do good things, always. My purpose in this life is to help others, yet those I try to help look down upon me and try to knock me down further.
I know that sometimes their actions are a result of envy. They cannot bring themselves to do what I do. Their personalities will not allow it. I do not judge them for this. I do not expect others to be like me. I do not expect them to turn on me either, however.
But they do.
I know that I do good. I also know that I could disappear tomorrow and it would have little effect on all but my children. My family would treat me as if I were a disabled pet, whom they kept alive as long as they could. My “friends” would post once on Facebook about how much they would miss me, then go back to their regular lives until next year, when their “memories” pop up.
I would be easily forgotten.
And people say “I would remember.” While kind, it is untrue. These are word spoken in hope that they will make me feel better, making the speaker feel better.
And I’m okay with this, for the most part. I am happy just to help, just to be a positive in these lives, even if my influence is not acknowledged. But sometimes everything falls apart, I feel more alone than ever, and I just want it all to be over.
It hurts to know that when it is, it won’t even matter.
Yelling to Myself 